In Defense of the Minivan
By Matthew Bouchard, MD.
My wife and I recently purchased a minivan. Needless to say, I got some flack from my colleagues for this somewhat "girl car." However, it was for my wife, but this did not seem to matter. I was inundated with emails questioning my masculinity, so I wrote this email in my defense. Use it if you want because it is quite funny. Let me know one way or the other. Here it is.
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Smoove, the minivan-driving ladies' man. I have been asked by the Honda Corporation to educate certain individuals as to the features of the Honda Odyssey that put it above, say, the Chrysler 300 in the categories of general coolness and chick magnetability.
Now Smoove used to think that the standard sport sedan or coupe was better. But how is Smoove supposed to fit a waterbed in the back seat of a Chrysler or perhaps even a Lincoln Town Car? Smoove's third row Stow-and-Go seating and removable 2nd seat provides plenty of space for Smoove's waterbed needs.
What happens when one of Smoove's ladies needs groceries? Smoove cannot fit a week's worth of champagne and strawberries into a Porsche 911. Smoove can also store his massage oils and Playstation 3 in the available Lazy Susan in the floor of the second row aisle.
What if Smoove and his lady are thirsty? Smoove now has an available 17 cup holders. The only thing Smoove needs more than 17 cup holders is a urinal. Haha — Smoove was joking on that one.
How does Smoove keep an eye on his woman? Smoove used to check out his lady in the passenger seat of his Corvette, but what about when she is behind the car, perhaps to collect her champagne and strawberries? Smoove can check her out with the available Honda Rear-View Camera. Please note that Smoove does not rely soley on the rear-view camera when backing up, but also uses his rear-view mirrors and a direct visual check because Smoove knows that the objects are closer than they appear in the rear-view Camera.
What if Smoove gets lost on the way to pick up his lady? Smoove just tells the car "take me to my lady's house" and once Smoove clarifies which lady he means, the Voice-recognition Nav system does the rest. Smoove does not use the Nav system while the car is in motion, only when stopped. Safety first for Smoove. Similarly, Smoove can set the mood when taking his lady and 4 kids to the soccer field by saying "Air conditioning on, XM radio channel 23 ("The Heart" for those not familiar with the romantic side of XM radio)
Now Smoove treats his ladies right, but sometimes Smoove is misunderstood. When Smoove says "you're the only one for me" sometimes his lady will think he means "you're the only one for me" rather than "you're the only one for me at this particular moment" and Smoove will find that his tires have been slashed. That used to immobilize Smoove, but no longer. Smoove now has Run-Flat tires that allow Smoove to travel up to 150 miles at 50mph away from his newly-angeredlady.
Smoove could go on and on talking about variable cylinder management, the silky smooth transmission and LATCH car safety features, but Smoove would rather show these off in person. Give Smoove a call.
Smoove
